One of the things I've learned is that when you hit rock bottom, the only place to go is up.
And that happened. 2 years ago.
The pandemic was the best thing that ever happened to our family.
...
It sent my husband home- so I could finally take the 3 hours 3 times a week to go to physical therapy and FINALLY begin healing.*
We ate different foods because the grocery shelves were differently stocked than before. And it tasted wonderful. We were nourished every day.
And I finally understood why when I asked the Lord who should be my son's 2nd grade teacher, He replied, "It doesn't matter." By the time we were out of post-baby function, school was sent home.
We went on hikes and found frogs. We explored and grew. I washed dishes and did my exercises and nursed the baby.
But I didn't take pictures, even though the Lord arranged for my backyard to be prettier than any photo-op flower garden that spring. But that by itself is a lesson- sometimes the answer to your prayers is right in your backyard, not in the fancy place you imagined it to be.
We bought a house and moved out of our 2 bedroom townhouse (with 4 kids under 9). And it is glorious- better than all our plans, our dreams, and even our hopes. It's also real- and has real, but solvable house problems. My health continued to improve as I got more ventilation and light in my daily chores.
And then, in October, as we walked around the block every day and my daughter fought me every day at lesson time and my son's mental hunger became more than I could feed: we prayed and enrolled my kids in the nearby public school.
My daughter had been praying for friends. And miracle, her asthma was okay that year and her kindergarten class had a total of 12 children in it. (by contrast, the kindergarten classrooms the year after had 23 students). My son was able to be in the same class as his best friend from kindergarten- who had moved to this town a few years earlier.
Life was beautiful, and life was good.
A little too good- because I burnt myself out trying to rearrange the whole house in August as the flashbacks of my last birth sent me into a spiral of manic despair. So 2021 wasn't so good- it was burnt out and angry and I spent the whole year on continual suicide watch while my husband battled his own depression and the teachers at the school got burnt out too.
But that year passed too- and 2022 came with hope and peace. My physical and mental health restored, I went to the school and lifted burdens- noticing and commenting on what the teachers did that was good, acknowledging that teaching students recovering from trauma and isolation is a whole new level of hard. And I was healed from feelings of inadequacy picked up during my younger years. My husband found stories of hope and we started reading together again, our relationship improving. My youngest children did much better with regular playdates during the time I was at the school (and the other mom loved being able to serve the her son's class by freeing one of us to serve at the school). And I saw in my son's classmates, what will become the core support group of his teenage years, a microcosm of society- and plenty of practice in seeing every aching, hurting soul as a child of God.
*(Post-partum psychotic mania is real and it's living hell- when the PT listens to your barebones life story and exclaims, "Girl how are you still alive?" Well, the answer is through the grace of God and his angels on both sides of the veil. He really does care, and He listens to every heartfelt prayer.)
I thank God for this particular ride- a ride that started with insomnia and a song, traveled to an enchanted place, uncovered hidden secrets of the past and lots of tears, re-established relationships and built some new ones, and ultimately found the source and access point of my power to change the world (ie Jesus Christ the Living, Breathing Lord of All)- ... Minus the special effects, and taking 2 years instead of 2 hours, it was pretty much just like Frozen 2. A time of Transformation and of healing.
So the question is, where is the adventure of life taking me now?
